Uncovering You 6: Deliverance Page 12

Shit! I spin back towards Jeremy. His eyes have darkened. The beginning of a scowl is starting to show on his face.

  “Uh, lucky guess,” I say quickly, scrambling for a proper explanation. “You wouldn’t have picked up the phone so fast if you were asleep.”

  I cringe at how hollow my words sound. I’ve never been a good liar. Deception of the sort I intend with Jeremy is one thing. But, making up lies on the spot, like this, for a friend? No way.

  “That’s true. I’m only here for a few days,” Fey says breezily. I breathe a sigh of relief. She’s not at all hung up on the details. “Robin’s coming back from South Africa tomorrow. We’ll spend the rest of break with his parents and then fly to Yale together.”

  “Just one semester left, huh?” I say. I glance at Jeremy. He seems to have relaxed. A little. “I can’t imagine what that’d be like.”

  “Yeah, it’s a little bit sad,” she says. “I’ve missed having you around, you know. I thought we’d all be graduating together. You, me, Sonja, Robin, all in our graduations gowns…” She gives an uneasy laugh. “Call it stupid. But, I was really looking forward to having pictures of us together that day. For looking back on in twenty years. You know? But now, with you already working, it just won’t be the same. The pictures are going to feel… well, empty, without you.”

  Her words tug at my heartstrings. The usual, cheery Fey is gone. She actually sounds like she’s on the verge of getting teary.

  “Hey, hey! It’s okay,” I say softly. “You still have the wedding coming up. Remember?” I turn and face Jeremy, meeting his eyes. “Jeremy and I said we’ll be there. We’ll take pictures then.”

  Jeremy nods slightly, in agreement. I sag with relief.

  “Yeah,” Fey says. “Yeah. That sounds good.”

  “Besides, a wedding is way more important than graduating,” I say. “At least, it’s always felt that way to me. Practically everybody who gets into Yale graduates. They’ve got to keep matriculation rates high. You know that. Even the football jocks end up with a diploma somehow.”

  Fey laughs. “You’re probably right.”

  “But how many people can say they’ve found somebody they’re willing to spend the rest of their lives with?” I continue. “You and Robin have something special, Fey, from everything I’ve seen. I remember the two of you together. I can’t think of a better match.”

  “Thanks.” She gives another quick laugh. “That means a lot, coming from you. You know, Lilly, I don’t think I’ve ever told you this. You’re probably the one person in the world whose opinion really, truly means something to me.”

  I blink, startled. “What? Really? Why?”

  “Well, it’s everything about you. All that you’ve accomplished. Where you came from, and how far you’ve come. How many undergrads get a full-time job offer at a prestigious firm before graduating? You must have done some really stellar work for them last summer. And winning the Barker Prize on an essay you wrote in one night then threw away?” She sighs with envy. “Do you know how many kids would kill to be able to do something like that? I don’t know if you see it, Lilly, but you’re… you’re pretty freaking brilliant. I mean, I know you obviously work hard. But, you make everything you do seem so… effortless.”

  She takes a breath. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that, well… I’ve always been in awe of you. Your dedication, your drive. It probably sounds foolish. But, ever since we’ve met I’ve been trying to model myself after you. And, well…”

  The line goes quiet for a long moment. I look at Jeremy, afraid he might have ended the call—but then I hear Fey’s voice again.

  “… Well, what I’m really trying to say, Lilly, is that I… I miss you. And that I… heck, I love you, girl. I just hope you don’t forget me entirely while you’re living your new life.”

  Jeremy makes a single slicing motion across his throat. I know exactly what it means.

  “Fey, listen. I’ve got to go,” I say quickly. I try to keep my own voice steady, but I’m not very successful. Her words pull at my soul. I never knew she had such a high opinion of me. I… I can’t handle it now, not with Jeremy in the room, not with him watching, not with him listening. “I’ll call you again soon. Okay? Say hi to Robin for—”

  The line clicks, and I hear the dial tone. This time, Jeremy has ended the call.

  I look at him. I make no effort to hide the moisture in my eyes.

  “Your friend respects you,” he says coldly. “It seems I’m not the only one to find you so alluring. But Lilly? You took one too many liberties on that call.”

  I dab at my eyes. I don’t want to deal with his shit right now. Considering the day I’ve had, and all the emotions coming to life inside me after Fey’s confession, all I want to do is crawl under the covers and have it over with.

  “You said we’d be at the wedding,” he continues. “Which is a reasonable promise, for now. But, you and I both know that things can change. Anyway. That was acceptable. What was not acceptable was the carelessness with which you divulged information I gave only to you. Namely, Fey’s current location. Your explanation for knowing where she is was laughable. Lucky for you, she did not take issue with it. Unlucky for you, Lilly, is that if you display such sloppiness in the future, I will have to place stricter restrictions on your communications with her.”

  “Oh, give me a fucking break!” I surge to my feet, annoyed, frustrated, and pissed off all at once. “I didn’t say anything to give you away. I keep all your secrets, Jeremy. All that you’ve done to me? That remains inside. Right here.” I slap my chest. “And you know what? I’ll continue to do so! So don’t feed me any bullshit about ‘stricter restrictions.’ Not when you know that I haven’t—and won’t—give you away.”

  I spin and stalk out of his office. Then, on a whim, I turn back at the door. I face him.

  “And don’t you dare touch me in bed tonight,” I add.

  Chapter Eleven

  I spend the entire night as restless mess. I can’t sleep because I don’t know when Jeremy will show up. I can’t sleep because I’m afraid of the impending disaster his arrival will bring.

  I don’t know what on earth possessed me to say what I did to Jeremy at the door. It was rash and unwise and totally heat-of-the-moment. And it’s something I’m terrified he’ll take huge issue with.

  When the first rays of the sun filter into the room, Jeremy still hasn’t shown up. I give up trying to get any real rest and get out of bed. If Jeremy didn’t even come up tonight, I can’t imagine what will happen when I see him next.

  Filled with uncertainty and trepidation, I enter the kitchen cautiously. How badly had I provoked him last night? What will my punishment for that be?

  The kitchen, however, is completely empty. I hesitate, and then start down the hall towards Jeremy’s office. Maybe he’s still in there.

  Along the way, I catch a glimpse of a clock. It shows 7:28. That means he’s already left for the board meeting.

  Shit. It also means I have to spend the rest of the day in a state of perpetual apprehension about his return.

  Despite myself, I can’t help but feel a touch—just a smidge—of concern for Jeremy. Did he get any sleep? He looked frazzled when I saw him last. Well, frazzled for him, anyway. I can’t imagine an all-nighter would put him in a better mood.

  Thanks to Charles, I know so much more about Jeremy than I had for a long time. It makes him seem more human in my eyes.

  I shake my head impatiently. He can appear more human. But, I can never allow myself to feel pity for him. Not ever. Not after everything he’s done.

  I return to the kitchen and brew myself a double shot of espresso. Then, coffee mug in hand, I start towards the library. A book is the only way to pass the time before Jeremy’s return… and whatever comes next.

  A surprise greets me when I enter the hall. The door to Jeremy’s office is wide open. There is nobody inside.

  I stop on the threshold, hesitating. I touch my neck. There is no coll
ar. The door is open.

  I am allowed to go in.

  I don’t believe for a second that this is an oversight on Jeremy’s part. Even if he was tired when he left, he was still… well, still himself. He was still Jeremy Stonehart: in control, imposing, and utterly confident of himself and his action.

  Isn’t this what I wanted: Unrestricted access to his home control center? What type of information could I find inside? How much could I learn about him? How much could I learn about Stonehart Industries, from the documents contained in his desk?

  I place one foot in—and stop. No. No! There is nothing here that I need. The whole house is monitored by cameras. This has to be a test. This must be Jeremy tempting me with the forbidden fruit.

  His office was the one place he distinctly told me not to enter. It was the only door I ever found locked. And now, not only is it unlocked, but it’s wide open, all but begging me to enter.

  And yet, my whole purpose, my entire drive, centers around Jeremy’s trust in me. Perhaps this is another demonstration of that. I don’t know how he views such things. But I do know that if I go in and start snooping around, I would be betraying that trust.

  So I turn away. It’s damned hard to do. I do it anyway. I console myself by remembering the incident in the office with his secretary. Do I really want to spend more time in a place that elicits those memories?

  And so, I spend the remainder of the morning reading.

  ***

  A timid knock at the door makes me look up.

  Rose is standing there. She’s dressed in her usual garb. But there’s something about her body language and stance that makes her look very, very defeated.

  Carefully, I lay my book down. In this new fucked-up reality that has become my life, I can never be too cautious. I wasn’t expecting Rose to come find me. Then again, nothing about my situation lends itself to making accurate predictions.

  Rose clears her throat. “Miss Ryder,” she says, as stiff as a shy high schooler giving a report before the class. “I want to… express my sincere apologies for the way I behaved with you yesterday. It was unbecoming of me. I am sorry. I beg you not to hold it against me, and I hope you will accept my apology.”

  She turns away.

  “Rose,” I start. “Wait—”

  “I am sorry, Miss Ryder,” she says, not turning back. “But Mr. Stonehart considers it best if you and I keep our interactions to a minimum. I must respect his wishes.”

  With that, she leaves me alone and more confused than ever.

  ***

  The day passes slowly, like a migraine. I spend all of it on edge.

  A mixture of bad sleep, anxiety about Jeremy’s return, doubt and confusion about Rose’s behavior, and a million other little worries all contribute to it. There’s Paul, my mother, Fey…

  Caffeine keeps me awake. But, it makes me agitated, too. I try to calm my mind by taking a stroll by the cliffs, overlooking the water. The day is dark and dreary. A wind howls from the sea and cuts straight through my jacket. It makes being outside as unpleasant as being inside.

  Fey’s words last night affected me. I never knew that was her true opinion of me. I never imagined that anybody could look up to me.

  I guess we all have our self-doubts. Every flaw we see in ourselves, we think is magnified ten-fold to the outside world.

  Maybe the opposite is also true. Every doubt I’ve ever had, every single instance of inadequacy that I’ve felt at Yale… all of that was internal. It was what drove me to be better.

  I guess that’s what Fey, and Sonja, and everyone else around me saw: A girl who was doing better.

  It was all an illusion. My life at Yale wasn’t perfect--even if it was what I thought I wanted. It was only what I thought I wanted because it was the one way I saw of never ending up like my mother.

  Did I make things seem… effortless? That’s what Fey implied. It was anything but. All the hours of work, the frantic scheduling, the unending nights spent preparing for exams or tests or writing papers… All of it took its toll on me.

  And yet, before Jeremy, before… this… that type of academic life was all I knew.

  I was free. But, at the same time, I was not. I was free to do what I wanted. However, all my goals were so narrowly defined that I might as well have been in a prison. Studying at Yale was an illusion, too. It gave me the illusion of choice. The illusion of freedom.

  Realistically, what options did I have? The heavy student loans would burden me for years after graduating.

  How funny that I always envied Fey. She was always so carefree and happy. I thought she had it made, what with her parents covering the cost of tuition. She had nothing to worry about except doing well in class and graduating with her diploma. Afterwards, she could do anything she wanted. She talked about volunteering with Teach for America. She had no concern for when the bank would demand her next loan payment.

  I never had that flexibility. The second I got out, the banks would start calling. I’d be over two hundred thousand dollars in debt: a staggering amount for someone who grew up with a parent making less than a tenth of that each year.

  But that was the only “out” I had. It was the only path I saw for myself that would eventually give me the control and the life I wanted.

  The life I wanted. Or the life I thought I wanted.

  Maybe I was too naïve. Maybe my goals were too narrowly defined. For all of my supposed intellect, I surely acted like a child.

  If my number one goal in life was not to end up like my mother, did I really have to do the things I did? Were the sacrifices I made in high school, and college, and all the ones I was planning to make after I graduated, really worth it?

  Here’s how I envisioned it once: I’d work hard at Yale. Nose-to-the-grindstone and all that shit. I’d graduate, somewhere near the top of my class—hopefully—which would, in theory, be enough to land me a decent job. I’d be fighting an uphill battle as a woman entering the male-dominated business world. Still, I’d continue working hard, dedicating at least half of every paycheck to the loans. Six, eight, ten years down the road, I’d finally be debt-free, in possession of a Yale diploma, hopefully on the upward career track. Only then would I stop and think about what I really wanted next from life.

  Hah! Looking back, I can almost laugh. Thinking about that now, it’s pathetic how pedestrian my life would have been. I’d have turned into a soulless zombie, throwing away my youth in some far-flung attempt to avoid my mother’s fate.

  Would any of it have made me happy? I… I don’t think so. I’d be satisfied in the sense that I achieved my goals. But where would all that leave me?

  Middle-aged, alone and unloved. That’s where!

  I never had the inclination to make time for a man. I saw what all those losers did to my mother… how they took advantage of her big heart, time and time again, until she broke down and became a trampled mess. So my plans never involved one. Marriage, kids, a family life? That was never on the radar.

  But, then, Jeremy came along and swept all of my assumptions aside. At first, I hated him for it. I hated him for stealing my autonomy, for taking away my freedom. For taking away my ability to make choices.

  That was the crux of it: The war between him and me was all psychological. His claimed possession of my body, the physical abuse… I could—and did—withstand that. It was the mental aspect that made me vengeful.

  But… looking at things now… thinking about everything that has happened since, and knowing that it’s all led to this point… maybe I’ve been mistaken. Maybe what Jeremy did—stealing me from my past life—was not an abduction. Perhaps it was a… rescue?

  I sigh and lower myself onto a stool. I’m going crazy in this large, soulless house if I’ve started thinking of what Jeremy did to me as a rescue. But recently, he’s exposed a side of himself that was never present when he was fucking me in the dark.

  I see him now as a tiny bit more a human. Part of it is thanks to Charles. Part of it i
s Jeremy’s stupid confession of “love.” It’s worming its way into my mind. I still refuse to acknowledge that the feeling’s genuine, or in any way real. But, I’m powerless to stop its effect on me.

  Besides, hasn’t Jeremy shown that he’s changed? Or that he is… changing?

  He did not react violently after I told him not to touch me. He exerted his influence to make Rose apologize. Even if the apology was forced and completely meaningless, it’s still something that would never have occurred were it not for him. Rose didn’t do it on her own. I can tell that much.

  He took my collar off. Yes, of course, the contract still looms in the background. But, he’s not mentioned of it once. He’s given me access to everything he has: his wealth, his possessions. His heart?

  A thud at the window makes me jerk. I look… and my heart drops.

  There, lying on the ground, is a tiny, fragile little bird. The glass is smeared where it collided against the pane. The bird isn’t moving. From the angle of its neck, I think it’s already dead.

  I swallow and turn away. Memories of the dove come back unbidden.

  The dove that Jeremy made me eat.

  I shudder and rub my arms. I said before that it was not the physical abuse that got to me. It was the mental assault. Can a man who makes a woman eat an animal she’d adopted as a pet really be capable of love? Can that same man ever be redeemable in that woman’s eyes?

  I shake my head. No. No! He cannot.

  And I have to stop giving him any sort of credit. So what if he’s acting differently now? He is still the same person who was capable of such things. Just because I know more about him now, just because I’ve experienced a different side of Jeremy Stonehart, does not preclude him from being capable of doing worse things to me in the future.

  And then there’s Paul. My father, Paul. I haven’t given him enough thought. He’s still there, trapped in that little room, with a collar around his neck. All because of Jeremy.

  No, nothing that Jeremy has done can be forgiven.